Pain

When I first started this blog I figured it would just be about anxiety and depression. However its also about my journey through it. The more I write the more I realize that there is more to it. No, its not my life but yet apart of it. And the last few weeks have been kinda crazy. So here goes!

How is that Family members turn into strangers and Friends turn into Family. It is so interesting to me that people's place and meaning changes. Yet, it did and it does. The past few weeks have been a challenge in that way. It's been emotional and a roller-coaster. There is nothing like death to change how you look at people

To see others in pain that is only described as heartbroken. Is so hard. To see them hurting is the worst thing ever. For me all I want to do is fix it and not have them go through that pain. Yet I can't shelter everyone from things that will happen in their lives. All I can do is be there when I can and listen and try to be helpful.

There is nothing like seeing people become very greedy either. You look at them as the go through with a "I want" attitude. When all you want is to have the person you lost back for another day.  People can be so hurtful by their actions and words. Sometime you feel like you just want to slap them in the face. To watch someone who is going through it. It's really hard. All you want to do is yell, scream or hurt someone. It's sad when your story of your family is so close to someone else's story. When you look and can see the same thing happening in a few years.

I have always been one to believe that all things happen for a reason and that we are to praise God even in the hard times. Yet I also believe you reap what you sow. So sometimes that is enough. Just wish this world wasn't so hurtful sometimes and the people in it weren't the way they are.

How much we need God in our world and need to put him first more often. Oh I have to say the last few weeks I have been practicing that goal within my life.

After all the sadness I can't help put think of some of the good.
1. Being able to be there for friends
2. Being able to praise God for the lessons learned.
3.  Being able to learn from others mistakes
4. I'm sure there is more. Just can't think as of right now.

Now what?

Everyone always says things happen for a reason. Each moment creates you into the person you are becoming. It's crazy to think a little over a week ago I quit my job. After many weeks and even months of dealing with more stress then I needed. It felt right to just walk away. It hurt me to walk away from the kids. They are my life. I still think of them many times a day. I wouldn't be who I am becoming if it wasn't for them. However I realized I am not doing them any good if I am not happy. I can only fake it for so long. Plus when someone tries to pit people across each other and has to be in the middle of everything. It just doesn't work for me. Its to much drama and no trust. Besides why is it when something crazy is happening. So one knows how to make you feel like you are nothing but a failure? I know I am not and that i will too find my place in this world. One day at a time. Besides I left my old job because of not being supported the way i felt i needed. Plus with negativity and gossiping. Its time to not look back but keep going forward. Something Great will come out of this. I am sure of it. God's timing is always perfect.

What?

It is funny now but wasn't at the time. When I finally had all I could have people being bossy and ugly to me. I lost it and became very ugly with my words. One person said to me...go take your meds. I laughed. Like that's the whole reason. A pill I take is not going to solve your bad attitude towards me or your bossiness. So I did get a little ugly after. I said I did. But it doesn't fix people who are ugly towards me. So back off or go change your attitude. It's really pissing me off. After not talking for awhile. It was fine. I can take a pill and go the counseling and my mood will help change relationships in my life and may make other peoples lives around me easier. Yet it will only help so much. It isn't a quick fix people. And sometimes it is not even you its them.

changing me

as i learn new ways to help me grow and change the harder it is to wait and not be able to help others. why? because they are not ready. I try to remember I can only control and change me and it gets harder before it gets better. It will feel lonely at times and I will feel like giving up. However, thats the time to fight longer and harder.

Changing me and only me!

Before and after my counseling session today. I found myself in a great mood. Others have noticed the difference in me and said I seem to be a whole new person. Which slowly by slowly I can see what they see. I am very proud of the fact I took control and said i needed help. I'm very Thankful to have the resources available for me to use. I am very blessed by God to have the support I needed during this time of change in my life.

I have been slowly noticing things that i need to change in my life and been slowly working on them. It's not always easy because i fight the want to go back and do what i need before because it was normal and even in the middle of chaos i was comfortable. Its what i knew.

The hardest part now is not going back, but fighting to become a better me. Its not always going to be easy but anything is worth fighting for. A few weeks ago i was talking to my best friend and she was saying how change is hard and it gets worse before it gets better. It has right now is the hardest part but even in the middle of this all. I can see the little things within myself that gives me the hope and strength to keep doing it, keep fighting to improve my life and those around me.

I by no means have all the answers. I am still learning. Yet I hope by me changing things up, working to be a better person. I can show others there is a better way, you can break the chains of your past. Everyone needs to do what makes them happy and what makes them the person God created them to be.

Now My prayers are that the relationships i have with others will only get stronger and that we will learn to work together instead of seeming to not get along now because of e trying to change and them staying the same.

"Relationships are like pieces of a clock. If one part wants to change the other parts will either change with it or it wouldn't work. It is never easy to change because but don't let the other parts force you to go back to the old way when there is a better way." ---Paraphrased

 

-Megan

:)

Last Monday I went back to work. It was so great to see my kids again. I loved every minute of it. There were some of the same stresses there. However I am learning to work through them. I am excited about another week loving on my babies and learning more about me.

In counseling this week I am learning to learn how to deal with the things that stress me. and how to see things for what they are. It isn't always easy but its what i need.

Tomorrow is a new day!

I personally can't wait to see my work kids. They are a huge blessing in my life. Their innocence amaze me so much. I can't wait to see their smiling faces and be able to give them a million hugs. The past 3 weeks have been great and unmanageably hard. But it is time to get back to what I love most. If you would have told me 7 years ago I would be a Pre K teacher. I would have laughed at you. 10 years ago I would have laughed if you told me I would be working with kids in my church. I have learned that God gives each of us a plan. I love teaching kids and watching them learn. I want to give them the best education I can give them while with me.  I am very excited to see my kids tomorrow. It's going to be amazing!