Tuesday, December 27, 2011

God's timing

I always say God has a reason and its all in his timing. Sometimes its hard to believe what i understand, know and say to others. The past year as been a really hard year for me and those around me. I have seen so much. I am beyond ready for a calm, happy, restful new year. I do understand it will have moments when i will be sad and those around me will too. Just praying that it isn't like this year. So many people were sick and/or died and that's hard.

A few weeks ago m best friend was diagnosed with Melanoma. She is still talking to doctors about treatment opinions and other things. It's sad to see her in pain and scared. However she is the most amazing, hard headed woman i know. So there is no doubt in my mind she will beat this. Just hard to see her and her family go through the pain of being hurt, sad and scared.

When i talked to my family about needing them to supporting me and being parents and there to listen. instead i got the i will cut you off. Its not your place drama. However, during all of this. I did find support from others in the strangest ways. so whatever happens it will be okay and God is there and he has a pain. I am not scared of losing my best friend or losing support from my family. however, i will be sad that something stupid like me helping a friend would cause our relationship to change. However, I will not live in fear. I will do what i need too and want too and know is right

Sunday, September 18, 2011


When I first started this blog I figured it would just be about anxiety and depression. However its also about my journey through it. The more I write the more I realize that there is more to it. No, its not my life but yet apart of it. And the last few weeks have been kinda crazy. So here goes!

How is that Family members turn into strangers and Friends turn into Family. It is so interesting to me that people's place and meaning changes. Yet, it did and it does. The past few weeks have been a challenge in that way. It's been emotional and a roller-coaster. There is nothing like death to change how you look at people

To see others in pain that is only described as heartbroken. Is so hard. To see them hurting is the worst thing ever. For me all I want to do is fix it and not have them go through that pain. Yet I can't shelter everyone from things that will happen in their lives. All I can do is be there when I can and listen and try to be helpful.

There is nothing like seeing people become very greedy either. You look at them as the go through with a "I want" attitude. When all you want is to have the person you lost back for another day.  People can be so hurtful by their actions and words. Sometime you feel like you just want to slap them in the face. To watch someone who is going through it. It's really hard. All you want to do is yell, scream or hurt someone. It's sad when your story of your family is so close to someone else's story. When you look and can see the same thing happening in a few years.

I have always been one to believe that all things happen for a reason and that we are to praise God even in the hard times. Yet I also believe you reap what you sow. So sometimes that is enough. Just wish this world wasn't so hurtful sometimes and the people in it weren't the way they are.

How much we need God in our world and need to put him first more often. Oh I have to say the last few weeks I have been practicing that goal within my life.

After all the sadness I can't help put think of some of the good.
1. Being able to be there for friends
2. Being able to praise God for the lessons learned.
3.  Being able to learn from others mistakes
4. I'm sure there is more. Just can't think as of right now.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Now what?

Everyone always says things happen for a reason. Each moment creates you into the person you are becoming. It's crazy to think a little over a week ago I quit my job. After many weeks and even months of dealing with more stress then I needed. It felt right to just walk away. It hurt me to walk away from the kids. They are my life. I still think of them many times a day. I wouldn't be who I am becoming if it wasn't for them. However I realized I am not doing them any good if I am not happy. I can only fake it for so long. Plus when someone tries to pit people across each other and has to be in the middle of everything. It just doesn't work for me. Its to much drama and no trust. Besides why is it when something crazy is happening. So one knows how to make you feel like you are nothing but a failure? I know I am not and that i will too find my place in this world. One day at a time. Besides I left my old job because of not being supported the way i felt i needed. Plus with negativity and gossiping. Its time to not look back but keep going forward. Something Great will come out of this. I am sure of it. God's timing is always perfect.

Sunday, August 7, 2011


It is funny now but wasn't at the time. When I finally had all I could have people being bossy and ugly to me. I lost it and became very ugly with my words. One person said to me...go take your meds. I laughed. Like that's the whole reason. A pill I take is not going to solve your bad attitude towards me or your bossiness. So I did get a little ugly after. I said I did. But it doesn't fix people who are ugly towards me. So back off or go change your attitude. It's really pissing me off. After not talking for awhile. It was fine. I can take a pill and go the counseling and my mood will help change relationships in my life and may make other peoples lives around me easier. Yet it will only help so much. It isn't a quick fix people. And sometimes it is not even you its them.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

changing me

as i learn new ways to help me grow and change the harder it is to wait and not be able to help others. why? because they are not ready. I try to remember I can only control and change me and it gets harder before it gets better. It will feel lonely at times and I will feel like giving up. However, thats the time to fight longer and harder.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Changing me and only me!

Before and after my counseling session today. I found myself in a great mood. Others have noticed the difference in me and said I seem to be a whole new person. Which slowly by slowly I can see what they see. I am very proud of the fact I took control and said i needed help. I'm very Thankful to have the resources available for me to use. I am very blessed by God to have the support I needed during this time of change in my life.

I have been slowly noticing things that i need to change in my life and been slowly working on them. It's not always easy because i fight the want to go back and do what i need before because it was normal and even in the middle of chaos i was comfortable. Its what i knew.

The hardest part now is not going back, but fighting to become a better me. Its not always going to be easy but anything is worth fighting for. A few weeks ago i was talking to my best friend and she was saying how change is hard and it gets worse before it gets better. It has right now is the hardest part but even in the middle of this all. I can see the little things within myself that gives me the hope and strength to keep doing it, keep fighting to improve my life and those around me.

I by no means have all the answers. I am still learning. Yet I hope by me changing things up, working to be a better person. I can show others there is a better way, you can break the chains of your past. Everyone needs to do what makes them happy and what makes them the person God created them to be.

Now My prayers are that the relationships i have with others will only get stronger and that we will learn to work together instead of seeming to not get along now because of e trying to change and them staying the same.

"Relationships are like pieces of a clock. If one part wants to change the other parts will either change with it or it wouldn't work. It is never easy to change because but don't let the other parts force you to go back to the old way when there is a better way." ---Paraphrased

Saturday, July 23, 2011


Last Monday I went back to work. It was so great to see my kids again. I loved every minute of it. There were some of the same stresses there. However I am learning to work through them. I am excited about another week loving on my babies and learning more about me.

In counseling this week I am learning to learn how to deal with the things that stress me. and how to see things for what they are. It isn't always easy but its what i need.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Tomorrow is a new day!

I personally can't wait to see my work kids. They are a huge blessing in my life. Their innocence amaze me so much. I can't wait to see their smiling faces and be able to give them a million hugs. The past 3 weeks have been great and unmanageably hard. But it is time to get back to what I love most. If you would have told me 7 years ago I would be a Pre K teacher. I would have laughed at you. 10 years ago I would have laughed if you told me I would be working with kids in my church. I have learned that God gives each of us a plan. I love teaching kids and watching them learn. I want to give them the best education I can give them while with me.  I am very excited to see my kids tomorrow. It's going to be amazing!

Sunday, July 10, 2011


Well it posted before I was done. LOL!

I want my siblings to understand, love and know God and know no matter what happens he is there and that he wants them to seek him first. I have the hardest time reading the bible when I know I need too. I always know how I feel after and I don't always do it. So when reading with them it helps keep me accountable and I love it.

I won't say I am cured. No, the last two weekends have been great. I am trying to stay focused on the good and less on the bad things. However, I will try my best to write about both sides.


The first two counseling sessions have been great. I have found myself really looking forward to them and what I will learn. After doing a lot of reflecting I have noticed in other people why they act the way they do. However it is always someone else who notices it in me. Sometimes it brings me to tears thinking how come I don't notice it within myself? Why is it that other people do? I don't have the answer to that. However, I am blessed to have others in my life who can tell me what I look like and I am acting like. I am all over the place at times and sometimes need someone to help me stay focused and on track.

This weekend was a great way as so was last week. We celebrated two amazing birthdays My sister Hannah's 18 and My Brother Jakob's 7th. I am so proud of the people they are becoming. I love them to pieces and it was amazing to celebrate with them. I hope they felt very special.

Before the party I was upset that some of my family wasn't going to be there. However, I am learning from others how to help myself from getting so upset. Since I pretty much know if they are coming or not. So to prepare I am not counting on them at all. Then if they show up great and if not, Oh well they missed out. This will be the best way for now. The party was fun was suppose to be from 12 to 230 but at 7 we still had people in our home playing, laughing and helping. It was a great day!

Now as I write this I have 3 of my favorite kids in my house watching a movie eating popcorn. I'm very proud of them.As much as I want them to stay little. I can't wait to see the person they turn into with love and guidance.

I have to say that I feel like I am getting stronger and realizing what I need to do to help me. In helping me I have seen how I can and have helped others. Its very important to me to teach a better way of life to everyone around me including kids. I have started to read the bible and pray with my siblings at night.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

It's been awhile since I have been on here. I went to meet my new counselor last Wednesday! It was great! Praise God I felt very comfortable with her right away. She helped me reflect on life and the things from my past. It hasn't been perfect, but each moment good and bad have helped create me into the person I am today. On Thursday I went to visit my work kids. We had a great time pretending to be at a circus. I loved all the hugs and kisses. They drive me everyday to help myself. I can't wait to see them again.

After a nap I headed to Houston for a long weekend. My parents are out of town so I am the one in charge of the little ones. Its always great to be with them. We went swimming this morning and had a picnic lunch. Afterwards I went into their rooms. Crazy unorganized mess. So with their help we cleaned both their rooms They kept saying thank you. I am so proud of them. They were thankful and willingly to help with complaining. I am so proud of them. After watching a quick movie. I told them I needed a nap, they could nap or play something quite. They did it. I thanked them for giving me that time. 

At work I have learned to give my kids choices and tell them what is okay and want isnt. So why not do it with my siblings. It would help them be more successful and feel proud of what they can do. So here we are. We are working together to help them feel more responsible, committed, and  successful. So this is the start. They now of Job charts too. When I return home, I will be making them job charts for my house too. So they always know what they are to do.

I am one very proud sister. In the middle of trying to help myself, I am learning, we all need a little help from others and its okay to ask and receive.

Monday, June 27, 2011

New start....

To help me through this crazy time. I decided to get myself organized. I have started in my room. I am making plans and goals. Which for a while was something I couldn't do. I wasn't able to focus long enough. I know this will be a long journey. Yet I wouldn't want it any other way. I need a challenge in my life and here I am. I have felt very out of control. So to help decided to clean, organize, get back into what i love doing, photography, cooking, writing, drawing, scrapbooking, and making hair bows. I have also started walking and soon will start yoga. Its time for a new start. I pray I can stay focused.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Tears are okay

Yesterday I felt really done. the littlest things were upsetting me. I felt out of control. When I would start crying I couldn't stop. I felt unconfused, helpless and lost. All I could think is this isn't me and I need help. It was great to see myself asking for it. I am receiving it. I have taken a week off of work to focus on my dealing with the stresses in my life. I need to focus on my health so i can be the person i am meant to be.I know i'm not alone. So that helps. I can do anything through God. Only he can heal me.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

God's Timing is never mine

Last night after creating and writing my first post for this blog. I felt so excited and ready to take on the world after many days of being sad, feeling helpless and alone. Today I woke up ready to go. I went to speak to my Doctor. Amazing lady I must say. After telling her how i felt. She encouraged me to see a counselor. I was all for it. I said I know i need help so here i am asking for it. So to help me, she felt my body had become immune to the Zoloft. So to help my dosage was up. Starting tonight i will take 100mg. She said this is very normal and not to worry. After leaving her office. I was called by her nurse with a list of counselors. Within an hour I had an appointment to meet a counselor starting next Wednesday.

So after a little nap I will be off to get my new meds and getting out of the house to either go to the movies or a walk. Depends on the weather.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Welcome to my new blog! Depressed? Now what?

January 20th was a changing day in my life. A day I let something come out I had been hiding and battle for a few years. I believe I was in denial. Not anymore. After feeling very blue and having many people asking me what was wrong. I realized I was only hurting myself by not accepting the truth.

So I took my life and future in my own hands. I sucked up my pride and met with my new doctor. A wonderful woman full of understanding. After a  long talk about my family history and explaining how I felt. I was put on 50mg of Zoloft a day.

For whatever reason I knew that was what I would be diagnosed with. However, after holding the pill bottle in my hand. It was like I got hit in the head with a ton of bricks. There was no denying it now. It was true and I was ready to accept it.

After 3 weeks of very side effect you could think of. And losing a total of 15 pounds. A time when I felt like giving in and saying it was not worth it. I started to feel happier, i was able to focus and see what i needed. I had my motivation back and was ready to take on the world. I wasn't getting as upset. I was able to reason and problem solve.

That would be a great ending right. I only wish. But that's only the beginning. In April my Great aunt was diagnosed with Lung cancer. This affected me more then I thought. I started noticing that I wasn't coping with anything the way I should. I was coming unglued over the littlest things. Yet, when it came to something big. I would sit in a daze all day. Sitting staring at a wall. For a while, I couldn't even cry. I wanted to blame God. Yet I knew he had allowed it to happen for a reason. Their was something he was wanting to teach us.

A few days ago I learned a very dear friend was diagnosed with breast cancer. A Friend who was there for me while I was a teenager was now faces a battle all to familiar to me and my family. Being the daughter of a breast cancer survivor.

It does amaze me that God has placed some of the strongest women in my life to teach me. This strong ladies are survivors in every use of the word. Their strength amazes me everyday.

Looking back I can see I was on a downward spiral and fast. I was feeling overwhelmed, I was being short with everyone. After realizing I didn't feel like me. I took some time off work. This is when I realized I needed help learning to cope with life. Just medicine would not be the cure all.

After returning to work for a few days and completing breaking down at work, I was able to let it all out. I felt hopeless, helpless and overwhelmed. I felt like I was not being able to cope with stress and life.

Tomorrow I will be headed to a Doctor's appointment to talk about my choices. So with determinations and God on my side. I will learn new ways to learn how to be me. Life isn't always easy. But it's worth living.

This blog came to me as a way of expressing my feelings and help me learn about myself. I hope whoever reads this will be able to take something away with them