Tuesday, January 15, 2013

another day

I went to counseling tonigjt and truly enjoyed it again. My focus is finding ways to honor my bmom and bestie. They loves me for me and showed me what love an support is all about. I am thankful for my bestie's friends who have taken me under their wings and help me. Without them this experience would have been so much worse. I am thankful God has sent great people in my life to help me. My bestie took care of me and is with her amazing friends. I miss them and love them so much. i feel them picking me up and carrying me through each day

Monday, January 14, 2013

loss for words

I don't even know where to start. so much as happened. The Thursday before thanksgiving my Bonus Mom passed away. We had no idea and it happened so fast. Linda (her name) was the main cargiver for her sick daughter Michelle who is my best friend. Michelle had Melanoma. she also was the caregiver for Michelle's kids. The day before thanksgiving i was on my way to Bryan to get pets to come back down to help Michelle. On the way up I was in a horrible car accident. My car was wrecked. then a week and a half later my best friend took her last breathe. It was just us when she passed. i had fallen asleep. she had been looking me. it may sound weird. but i know she wanted it that way. there isnt a day that goes by i dont miss them. this is hard. i never imagine life without them. and know im adgusting to it. its hard. i feel really alone at times. they were my strenght and biggest suppoters. i start counseling again and i know i will get through this.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Sadness and Hope

This Blog is becoming more of a story of my life then about how I am battling depression. Again, Life has seemed to have dealt a horrible hand. Last Thursday the Lady I call Bonus Mom went to Heaven. Totally unexpected and for many of us left behind it happened to soon. I am still very much in shock. Many more questions this answers. When I have my moments of clarity through the craziness of helping with the day to day demands of life. It hits me she is gone and how much she did for so many. I never really got it until now and I don't think I will fully ever understand how big of shoes she filled and how many people were in packed by her. I may not have known her long and at first may have thought we will not be friends. But through the years, we did become closer. In my times of need and times when I needed a Mom she was there being as supportive as she could Its hard to imagine life without her right now or ever. I feel like I am living in a horrible nightmare that I will make up from any moment now. I am glad she is no longer in any pain, stressed or having to deal with sadness or sickness. I miss her greatly. I am glad she is in Heaven and one day I will see her again. For now, I will try to focus on the positive, yet when I have my moments when I need to grieve I will because we all need our time to grieve when it comes to a loss of any kind.

I have wondered why God called her to be with him so soon, especially when so much was going on. But for whatever reason he needed her more. It seems unbelievable to me how one woman could give so much to so many while getting little to nothing in return. She was a helper through and through. It was her calling I believe. God used her to touch so many lives and through the people who knew her they will touch others in ways that she touched them. Apart of her will forever be apart of this world and better people everywhere.

Through the years, through the losses, I have tired so hard to make sure those I love hear me say it. I may say it 10 million times. But God never promises us tomorrow and you never know what will happen, So for those of you reading this blog. Please don't let a day go by that you don't tell someone you love them. And for some they may not understand or think you are crazy. But for me, I don't care. I want them to know how I feel because if it was the last day for me on earth to see them. I would like for them to know they made a difference in my life and I loved them.

As I sit here typing wide away after fighting to fall asleep with many questions and thoughts running through my head. This blog helps clear things up. I can't help but smile thinking of even in the middle of sadness, God loves us and is there to hold us when we need him. He is still using his people to change the world they only way he could. I am so blessed and glad I got to meet and love one amazing woman he created knowing one day she would meet me and open my heart the only way she could. He knew this all before I was born. I don't know what the future holds or even what next week will be like. I will say I am a better person because of her, the lessons she taught me, this blessings she scared, the memories of yesterday and the hope for tomorrow.

Saturday, October 13, 2012


I know I use the word change a lot. Seems to me such a simple word yet so hard for people to actually do. We can say oh tomorrow, oh next week, oh next year I will change this or that. Yet just like new year resolutions they are gone probably before the words come out of our mouth. I will admit, there are things i say that never happen and its a daily struggle to do what i say I will. Its something I need to work on, i pray for it often. So whats stopping you? motivation? time? knowledge? a partner? I found one way was to write it down, pray about it and then tell a friend. This helps because your friend can help encourage you, give you advice and God can open doors if it is something it wants you to do.

So what got me started on this you ask? Well its 2012 an election year. Time of year were people either come together or bash each other. I do not believe in bashing or talking about politics. Yet I will say this. Its not just one person that is to blame for the things that happen in our nation. There are many people that help the President to make the best choices while he is in office. I will not talk about which party I like best because i don't feel comfortable with that. I will say this, the TV or even a person you know may not be the person to get your facts from. I would encourage you to seek out the right place or people for information. Not just someones opinion. You have the freedom and free will to make your own choices. So use that right and make sure you come up with your own opinion. It may match someone elses. But you know why you agree with that person and not just because they said it. Anyways I am getting off that subject.

So one of the real reasons i started writing this post. How many people with insurance has been down to Ben Taub? or LBJ? I never fully understood what people with no insurance did to get healthcare. It wasnt until last year that i got a reality check. My best friend was diagnosed with Melanoma to watch her struggle to get doctors and nurses to listen and help was sometimes impossible. Sometimes nurses were rude to her and others. Treatments were delayed and the cancer kept growing. Now its all over her body and she is in the hospital to receive treatment because they ball was dropped. This isnt just her. this is several people. Its sad that even those who have voices cant be heard. They are sick and need help and sometimes they are not blessed with a doctor who cares or will answer the phone. This needs to change and people. Open your eyes America. Its time for change. things may not be perfect. but we need to start somewhere and we can change things as we go. I dont know how to help change it myself. But i will keep praying and hoprfully someone out there hears the voices of the poor and sick and together we can join together to help everyone

Changes keep happening!

Things keep changing, the earth still turns, the wind still blows rather I am ready for it or night. So here I am blogging about my life the last few weekends. I am really bad about keeping this updated. Doesn't help I do not have a Computer. LOL! Anyways, what do you say we get started? okay hold on to your seat this may be a crazy ride.....

After many weeks of severe back pain and Vicodin, I went to a Neurologist who believes I have Fibromyaglia. For those of you who do not know what that is.It is when your nerves in your body are overly sensitive to pain. Many times the pain isnt has bad or isnt even there. So it helps calm the nerves. Since being put on meds. I feel 100 times better. Still working on getting my strength back. So that is a blessing. It took along time and a few MRIs and doctors. But i am blessed to say I am feeling much better.

Since being in so much pain I was in Bryan for over a month. I missed all your family and friends done here. So this weekend my bonus mom came to get me to bring me down since my car is in the shop. only for me to go to a minute clinic to find out I have strep. not fun! So I sit here typing away at the keyboard while my little sister enjoys my bonus nieces birthday party. I have to say I am so glad they are good friends and love being around each other. I am so blessed and thank God each day that they have that kind of friendship. Kids need friends that can encourage them, help each other and love like a sister or brother. Kid friends that dont judge you like the adult world will.

The last few weeks, have been somewhat crazy, sad and in some ways bringing people closer and teaching people to shut their month when it comes to being judgmental. My best friend is more like the older sister i never had since i was the oldest child in my family. Now that she is sick and has been in the hospital off and on. I miss her and now that i am sick i can not go see her because the last thing i want to do is make her sick when her body is trying to make her health again so she can fight off the cancer. And FYI do yourself a favor and wear protective sunglasses and sunscreen all year around. I don't think you want to battle with skin cancer. So I miss her. I miss the hugs the laughing and for me just being around her. I feel safe when shes there. we don't even have to talk. just being in the room together. I miss the nights of laying in bed just chatting and laughing all night until our stomachs were hurting and we were crying. The last two weeks we have been talking on the phone instead of just texting. I feel it has helped both of us while we cant see each other. I may not be able to see her physically but i feel a lot closer to her. i love hearing her voice and listening to her laugh. makes me smile every time. God has blessed me with not only my best friend but also a sister i never had. She has a fight ahead of her to beat the Melanoma or  fight to live as long as she can. Whichever God chooses for her. I may not like the fact that she is having to fight so hard. But i will never leave her side unless God takes me home first. She is my rock and i cant imagine life without her. So I will pray for her and love her each day and do whatever i can to help her fight.

Sometimes it feels like everything going on in my life would make me more depressed then ever. Yet I know God is leading my way and will. Somedays are harder then others. Some days are the best ever. I will not let my depression overcome me. I will do what i can to help others. I prayed about a week ago. for god to use me to serve and encourage others. I have to say he did. I feel closer to him. I know he has and plan and there is a reason for all that is going on. No he did not make this happen he allowed it too because he knows what we can handle and he has a plan. Sometimes its hard for me to see that plan or to wait. But I am trying hard to praise him in the bad as well as the good. I was thinking a few weeks ago, why do we not tell people we are praying for them? It may not be something people do anymore. But that needs to stop. Thats why our world is the way it is. So others out there, dont act one way at church and another at walmart. Show Christ through you. Dont be afraid to tell someone you are praying for them. It just may be the thing someone needs to hear.

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Week 1

So I went to my first support group meeting. I loved it! It was people who were dealing with the same things i was. The leader asked us what were three things we wanted to work on.

So here are mine.....

1. Forgiveness of others who do not meet my exceptions
2. Realize I can only change me and not others.
3. Stay focused on the future and not the past and its feelings towards the past.

Also she asked us to think about the things that we like to do the most.

So here are mine.....

1. drawing and painting
2. scrapbooking
3. spending time with my friends and family
4. reading
5. playing with my animals
6. play and teach kids
7. writing
8. talking and socializing with others
9. photography
10. feeling helpful

So as the week goes until we meet again these are my focuses. I have been writing and journaling. I will continue to do this as i work towards a better future.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Wow! Has it been that long?

Time seems to fly by...I haven't written here in a long time. Not want I wanted. After A back injury late last year. January started with appointments at the Chiropractor. Two months and $500 later. I was feeling great. So much has happened since then and the last time i wrote on here. My Aunt Teresa had to go into a rehab, aftter a month of being there. She woke up and couldnt breathe. We were told my doctors to say goodbye. It was a hard moment. She has been battling lung cancer for 18 months now. family started heading to Houston from all directions. We had planned to pull the tubes out of her mouth Monday morning. Would you believe it but after the tubes came out. She was talking and acting like Teresa. Such a blessing.

That week I was in and out of the hospital visiting her I was able to reflect on what had happen and how things were going. People who i felt should be there, weren't. People who didnt have too, said they would if i needed them too. And some people didnt seem to care at all. I was disappointed. I have learned what people are really there in a time of need and which ones are not. I am thankful for the ones whose prayers, love and support where with me and my family.

I also notice that week that i was stronger then I ever thought i could be. I knew god was with me and that i had all the love and support i needed. For that I will be forever greatful.