another day

I went to counseling tonigjt and truly enjoyed it again. My focus is finding ways to honor my bmom and bestie. They loves me for me and showed me what love an support is all about. I am thankful for my bestie's friends who have taken me under their wings and help me. Without them this experience would have been so much worse. I am thankful God has sent great people in my life to help me. My bestie took care of me and is with her amazing friends. I miss them and love them so much. i feel them picking me up and carrying me through each day

loss for words

I don't even know where to start. so much as happened. The Thursday before thanksgiving my Bonus Mom passed away. We had no idea and it happened so fast. Linda (her name) was the main cargiver for her sick daughter Michelle who is my best friend. Michelle had Melanoma. she also was the caregiver for Michelle's kids. The day before thanksgiving i was on my way to Bryan to get pets to come back down to help Michelle. On the way up I was in a horrible car accident. My car was wrecked. then a week and a half later my best friend took her last breathe. It was just us when she passed. i had fallen asleep. she had been looking me. it may sound weird. but i know she wanted it that way. there isnt a day that goes by i dont miss them. this is hard. i never imagine life without them. and know im adgusting to it. its hard. i feel really alone at times. they were my strenght and biggest suppoters. i start counseling again and i know i will get through this.

Sadness and Hope

This Blog is becoming more of a story of my life then about how I am battling depression. Again, Life has seemed to have dealt a horrible hand. Last Thursday the Lady I call Bonus Mom went to Heaven. Totally unexpected and for many of us left behind it happened to soon. I am still very much in shock. Many more questions this answers. When I have my moments of clarity through the craziness of helping with the day to day demands of life. It hits me she is gone and how much she did for so many. I never really got it until now and I don't think I will fully ever understand how big of shoes she filled and how many people were in packed by her. I may not have known her long and at first may have thought we will not be friends. But through the years, we did become closer. In my times of need and times when I needed a Mom she was there being as supportive as she could Its hard to imagine life without her right now or ever. I feel like I am living in a horrible nightmare that I will make up from any moment now. I am glad she is no longer in any pain, stressed or having to deal with sadness or sickness. I miss her greatly. I am glad she is in Heaven and one day I will see her again. For now, I will try to focus on the positive, yet when I have my moments when I need to grieve I will because we all need our time to grieve when it comes to a loss of any kind.

I have wondered why God called her to be with him so soon, especially when so much was going on. But for whatever reason he needed her more. It seems unbelievable to me how one woman could give so much to so many while getting little to nothing in return. She was a helper through and through. It was her calling I believe. God used her to touch so many lives and through the people who knew her they will touch others in ways that she touched them. Apart of her will forever be apart of this world and better people everywhere.


Through the years, through the losses, I have tired so hard to make sure those I love hear me say it. I may say it 10 million times. But God never promises us tomorrow and you never know what will happen, So for those of you reading this blog. Please don't let a day go by that you don't tell someone you love them. And for some they may not understand or think you are crazy. But for me, I don't care. I want them to know how I feel because if it was the last day for me on earth to see them. I would like for them to know they made a difference in my life and I loved them.

As I sit here typing wide away after fighting to fall asleep with many questions and thoughts running through my head. This blog helps clear things up. I can't help but smile thinking of even in the middle of sadness, God loves us and is there to hold us when we need him. He is still using his people to change the world they only way he could. I am so blessed and glad I got to meet and love one amazing woman he created knowing one day she would meet me and open my heart the only way she could. He knew this all before I was born. I don't know what the future holds or even what next week will be like. I will say I am a better person because of her, the lessons she taught me, this blessings she scared, the memories of yesterday and the hope for tomorrow.

Change

I know I use the word change a lot. Seems to me such a simple word yet so hard for people to actually do. We can say oh tomorrow, oh next week, oh next year I will change this or that. Yet just like new year resolutions they are gone probably before the words come out of our mouth. I will admit, there are things i say that never happen and its a daily struggle to do what i say I will. Its something I need to work on, i pray for it often. So whats stopping you? motivation? time? knowledge? a partner? I found one way was to write it down, pray about it and then tell a friend. This helps because your friend can help encourage you, give you advice and God can open doors if it is something it wants you to do.


So what got me started on this you ask? Well its 2012 an election year. Time of year were people either come together or bash each other. I do not believe in bashing or talking about politics. Yet I will say this. Its not just one person that is to blame for the things that happen in our nation. There are many people that help the President to make the best choices while he is in office. I will not talk about which party I like best because i don't feel comfortable with that. I will say this, the TV or even a person you know may not be the person to get your facts from. I would encourage you to seek out the right place or people for information. Not just someones opinion. You have the freedom and free will to make your own choices. So use that right and make sure you come up with your own opinion. It may match someone elses. But you know why you agree with that person and not just because they said it. Anyways I am getting off that subject.

So one of the real reasons i started writing this post. How many people with insurance has been down to Ben Taub? or LBJ? I never fully understood what people with no insurance did to get healthcare. It wasnt until last year that i got a reality check. My best friend was diagnosed with Melanoma to watch her struggle to get doctors and nurses to listen and help was sometimes impossible. Sometimes nurses were rude to her and others. Treatments were delayed and the cancer kept growing. Now its all over her body and she is in the hospital to receive treatment because they ball was dropped. This isnt just her. this is several people. Its sad that even those who have voices cant be heard. They are sick and need help and sometimes they are not blessed with a doctor who cares or will answer the phone. This needs to change and people. Open your eyes America. Its time for change. things may not be perfect. but we need to start somewhere and we can change things as we go. I dont know how to help change it myself. But i will keep praying and hoprfully someone out there hears the voices of the poor and sick and together we can join together to help everyone

Changes keep happening!

Things keep changing, the earth still turns, the wind still blows rather I am ready for it or night. So here I am blogging about my life the last few weekends. I am really bad about keeping this updated. Doesn't help I do not have a Computer. LOL! Anyways, what do you say we get started? okay hold on to your seat this may be a crazy ride.....

After many weeks of severe back pain and Vicodin, I went to a Neurologist who believes I have Fibromyaglia. For those of you who do not know what that is.It is when your nerves in your body are overly sensitive to pain. Many times the pain isnt has bad or isnt even there. So it helps calm the nerves. Since being put on meds. I feel 100 times better. Still working on getting my strength back. So that is a blessing. It took along time and a few MRIs and doctors. But i am blessed to say I am feeling much better.

Since being in so much pain I was in Bryan for over a month. I missed all your family and friends done here. So this weekend my bonus mom came to get me to bring me down since my car is in the shop. only for me to go to a minute clinic to find out I have strep. not fun! So I sit here typing away at the keyboard while my little sister enjoys my bonus nieces birthday party. I have to say I am so glad they are good friends and love being around each other. I am so blessed and thank God each day that they have that kind of friendship. Kids need friends that can encourage them, help each other and love like a sister or brother. Kid friends that dont judge you like the adult world will.

The last few weeks, have been somewhat crazy, sad and in some ways bringing people closer and teaching people to shut their month when it comes to being judgmental. My best friend is more like the older sister i never had since i was the oldest child in my family. Now that she is sick and has been in the hospital off and on. I miss her and now that i am sick i can not go see her because the last thing i want to do is make her sick when her body is trying to make her health again so she can fight off the cancer. And FYI do yourself a favor and wear protective sunglasses and sunscreen all year around. I don't think you want to battle with skin cancer. So I miss her. I miss the hugs the laughing and for me just being around her. I feel safe when shes there. we don't even have to talk. just being in the room together. I miss the nights of laying in bed just chatting and laughing all night until our stomachs were hurting and we were crying. The last two weeks we have been talking on the phone instead of just texting. I feel it has helped both of us while we cant see each other. I may not be able to see her physically but i feel a lot closer to her. i love hearing her voice and listening to her laugh. makes me smile every time. God has blessed me with not only my best friend but also a sister i never had. She has a fight ahead of her to beat the Melanoma or  fight to live as long as she can. Whichever God chooses for her. I may not like the fact that she is having to fight so hard. But i will never leave her side unless God takes me home first. She is my rock and i cant imagine life without her. So I will pray for her and love her each day and do whatever i can to help her fight.

Sometimes it feels like everything going on in my life would make me more depressed then ever. Yet I know God is leading my way and will. Somedays are harder then others. Some days are the best ever. I will not let my depression overcome me. I will do what i can to help others. I prayed about a week ago. for god to use me to serve and encourage others. I have to say he did. I feel closer to him. I know he has and plan and there is a reason for all that is going on. No he did not make this happen he allowed it too because he knows what we can handle and he has a plan. Sometimes its hard for me to see that plan or to wait. But I am trying hard to praise him in the bad as well as the good. I was thinking a few weeks ago, why do we not tell people we are praying for them? It may not be something people do anymore. But that needs to stop. Thats why our world is the way it is. So others out there, dont act one way at church and another at walmart. Show Christ through you. Dont be afraid to tell someone you are praying for them. It just may be the thing someone needs to hear.

Week 1

So I went to my first support group meeting. I loved it! It was people who were dealing with the same things i was. The leader asked us what were three things we wanted to work on.

So here are mine.....

1. Forgiveness of others who do not meet my exceptions
2. Realize I can only change me and not others.
3. Stay focused on the future and not the past and its feelings towards the past.

Also she asked us to think about the things that we like to do the most.

So here are mine.....

1. drawing and painting
2. scrapbooking
3. spending time with my friends and family
4. reading
5. playing with my animals
6. play and teach kids
7. writing
8. talking and socializing with others
9. photography
10. feeling helpful

So as the week goes until we meet again these are my focuses. I have been writing and journaling. I will continue to do this as i work towards a better future.

Wow! Has it been that long?

Time seems to fly by...I haven't written here in a long time. Not want I wanted. After A back injury late last year. January started with appointments at the Chiropractor. Two months and $500 later. I was feeling great. So much has happened since then and the last time i wrote on here. My Aunt Teresa had to go into a rehab, aftter a month of being there. She woke up and couldnt breathe. We were told my doctors to say goodbye. It was a hard moment. She has been battling lung cancer for 18 months now. family started heading to Houston from all directions. We had planned to pull the tubes out of her mouth Monday morning. Would you believe it but after the tubes came out. She was talking and acting like Teresa. Such a blessing.

That week I was in and out of the hospital visiting her I was able to reflect on what had happen and how things were going. People who i felt should be there, weren't. People who didnt have too, said they would if i needed them too. And some people didnt seem to care at all. I was disappointed. I have learned what people are really there in a time of need and which ones are not. I am thankful for the ones whose prayers, love and support where with me and my family.

I also notice that week that i was stronger then I ever thought i could be. I knew god was with me and that i had all the love and support i needed. For that I will be forever greatful.  

God's timing

I always say God has a reason and its all in his timing. Sometimes its hard to believe what i understand, know and say to others. The past year as been a really hard year for me and those around me. I have seen so much. I am beyond ready for a calm, happy, restful new year. I do understand it will have moments when i will be sad and those around me will too. Just praying that it isn't like this year. So many people were sick and/or died and that's hard.

A few weeks ago m best friend was diagnosed with Melanoma. She is still talking to doctors about treatment opinions and other things. It's sad to see her in pain and scared. However she is the most amazing, hard headed woman i know. So there is no doubt in my mind she will beat this. Just hard to see her and her family go through the pain of being hurt, sad and scared.

When i talked to my family about needing them to supporting me and being parents and there to listen. instead i got the i will cut you off. Its not your place drama. However, during all of this. I did find support from others in the strangest ways. so whatever happens it will be okay and God is there and he has a pain. I am not scared of losing my best friend or losing support from my family. however, i will be sad that something stupid like me helping a friend would cause our relationship to change. However, I will not live in fear. I will do what i need too and want too and know is right

Pain

When I first started this blog I figured it would just be about anxiety and depression. However its also about my journey through it. The more I write the more I realize that there is more to it. No, its not my life but yet apart of it. And the last few weeks have been kinda crazy. So here goes!

How is that Family members turn into strangers and Friends turn into Family. It is so interesting to me that people's place and meaning changes. Yet, it did and it does. The past few weeks have been a challenge in that way. It's been emotional and a roller-coaster. There is nothing like death to change how you look at people

To see others in pain that is only described as heartbroken. Is so hard. To see them hurting is the worst thing ever. For me all I want to do is fix it and not have them go through that pain. Yet I can't shelter everyone from things that will happen in their lives. All I can do is be there when I can and listen and try to be helpful.

There is nothing like seeing people become very greedy either. You look at them as the go through with a "I want" attitude. When all you want is to have the person you lost back for another day.  People can be so hurtful by their actions and words. Sometime you feel like you just want to slap them in the face. To watch someone who is going through it. It's really hard. All you want to do is yell, scream or hurt someone. It's sad when your story of your family is so close to someone else's story. When you look and can see the same thing happening in a few years.

I have always been one to believe that all things happen for a reason and that we are to praise God even in the hard times. Yet I also believe you reap what you sow. So sometimes that is enough. Just wish this world wasn't so hurtful sometimes and the people in it weren't the way they are.

How much we need God in our world and need to put him first more often. Oh I have to say the last few weeks I have been practicing that goal within my life.

After all the sadness I can't help put think of some of the good.
1. Being able to be there for friends
2. Being able to praise God for the lessons learned.
3.  Being able to learn from others mistakes
4. I'm sure there is more. Just can't think as of right now.

Now what?

Everyone always says things happen for a reason. Each moment creates you into the person you are becoming. It's crazy to think a little over a week ago I quit my job. After many weeks and even months of dealing with more stress then I needed. It felt right to just walk away. It hurt me to walk away from the kids. They are my life. I still think of them many times a day. I wouldn't be who I am becoming if it wasn't for them. However I realized I am not doing them any good if I am not happy. I can only fake it for so long. Plus when someone tries to pit people across each other and has to be in the middle of everything. It just doesn't work for me. Its to much drama and no trust. Besides why is it when something crazy is happening. So one knows how to make you feel like you are nothing but a failure? I know I am not and that i will too find my place in this world. One day at a time. Besides I left my old job because of not being supported the way i felt i needed. Plus with negativity and gossiping. Its time to not look back but keep going forward. Something Great will come out of this. I am sure of it. God's timing is always perfect.

What?

It is funny now but wasn't at the time. When I finally had all I could have people being bossy and ugly to me. I lost it and became very ugly with my words. One person said to me...go take your meds. I laughed. Like that's the whole reason. A pill I take is not going to solve your bad attitude towards me or your bossiness. So I did get a little ugly after. I said I did. But it doesn't fix people who are ugly towards me. So back off or go change your attitude. It's really pissing me off. After not talking for awhile. It was fine. I can take a pill and go the counseling and my mood will help change relationships in my life and may make other peoples lives around me easier. Yet it will only help so much. It isn't a quick fix people. And sometimes it is not even you its them.

changing me

as i learn new ways to help me grow and change the harder it is to wait and not be able to help others. why? because they are not ready. I try to remember I can only control and change me and it gets harder before it gets better. It will feel lonely at times and I will feel like giving up. However, thats the time to fight longer and harder.

Changing me and only me!

Before and after my counseling session today. I found myself in a great mood. Others have noticed the difference in me and said I seem to be a whole new person. Which slowly by slowly I can see what they see. I am very proud of the fact I took control and said i needed help. I'm very Thankful to have the resources available for me to use. I am very blessed by God to have the support I needed during this time of change in my life.

I have been slowly noticing things that i need to change in my life and been slowly working on them. It's not always easy because i fight the want to go back and do what i need before because it was normal and even in the middle of chaos i was comfortable. Its what i knew.

The hardest part now is not going back, but fighting to become a better me. Its not always going to be easy but anything is worth fighting for. A few weeks ago i was talking to my best friend and she was saying how change is hard and it gets worse before it gets better. It has right now is the hardest part but even in the middle of this all. I can see the little things within myself that gives me the hope and strength to keep doing it, keep fighting to improve my life and those around me.

I by no means have all the answers. I am still learning. Yet I hope by me changing things up, working to be a better person. I can show others there is a better way, you can break the chains of your past. Everyone needs to do what makes them happy and what makes them the person God created them to be.

Now My prayers are that the relationships i have with others will only get stronger and that we will learn to work together instead of seeming to not get along now because of e trying to change and them staying the same.

"Relationships are like pieces of a clock. If one part wants to change the other parts will either change with it or it wouldn't work. It is never easy to change because but don't let the other parts force you to go back to the old way when there is a better way." ---Paraphrased

 

-Megan

:)

Last Monday I went back to work. It was so great to see my kids again. I loved every minute of it. There were some of the same stresses there. However I am learning to work through them. I am excited about another week loving on my babies and learning more about me.

In counseling this week I am learning to learn how to deal with the things that stress me. and how to see things for what they are. It isn't always easy but its what i need.

Tomorrow is a new day!

I personally can't wait to see my work kids. They are a huge blessing in my life. Their innocence amaze me so much. I can't wait to see their smiling faces and be able to give them a million hugs. The past 3 weeks have been great and unmanageably hard. But it is time to get back to what I love most. If you would have told me 7 years ago I would be a Pre K teacher. I would have laughed at you. 10 years ago I would have laughed if you told me I would be working with kids in my church. I have learned that God gives each of us a plan. I love teaching kids and watching them learn. I want to give them the best education I can give them while with me.  I am very excited to see my kids tomorrow. It's going to be amazing!

Cont...

Well it posted before I was done. LOL!

I want my siblings to understand, love and know God and know no matter what happens he is there and that he wants them to seek him first. I have the hardest time reading the bible when I know I need too. I always know how I feel after and I don't always do it. So when reading with them it helps keep me accountable and I love it.

I won't say I am cured. No, the last two weekends have been great. I am trying to stay focused on the good and less on the bad things. However, I will try my best to write about both sides.

Hello!

The first two counseling sessions have been great. I have found myself really looking forward to them and what I will learn. After doing a lot of reflecting I have noticed in other people why they act the way they do. However it is always someone else who notices it in me. Sometimes it brings me to tears thinking how come I don't notice it within myself? Why is it that other people do? I don't have the answer to that. However, I am blessed to have others in my life who can tell me what I look like and I am acting like. I am all over the place at times and sometimes need someone to help me stay focused and on track.

This weekend was a great way as so was last week. We celebrated two amazing birthdays My sister Hannah's 18 and My Brother Jakob's 7th. I am so proud of the people they are becoming. I love them to pieces and it was amazing to celebrate with them. I hope they felt very special.

Before the party I was upset that some of my family wasn't going to be there. However, I am learning from others how to help myself from getting so upset. Since I pretty much know if they are coming or not. So to prepare I am not counting on them at all. Then if they show up great and if not, Oh well they missed out. This will be the best way for now. The party was fun was suppose to be from 12 to 230 but at 7 we still had people in our home playing, laughing and helping. It was a great day!

Now as I write this I have 3 of my favorite kids in my house watching a movie eating popcorn. I'm very proud of them.As much as I want them to stay little. I can't wait to see the person they turn into with love and guidance.

I have to say that I feel like I am getting stronger and realizing what I need to do to help me. In helping me I have seen how I can and have helped others. Its very important to me to teach a better way of life to everyone around me including kids. I have started to read the bible and pray with my siblings at night.

It's been awhile since I have been on here. I went to meet my new counselor last Wednesday! It was great! Praise God I felt very comfortable with her right away. She helped me reflect on life and the things from my past. It hasn't been perfect, but each moment good and bad have helped create me into the person I am today. On Thursday I went to visit my work kids. We had a great time pretending to be at a circus. I loved all the hugs and kisses. They drive me everyday to help myself. I can't wait to see them again.

After a nap I headed to Houston for a long weekend. My parents are out of town so I am the one in charge of the little ones. Its always great to be with them. We went swimming this morning and had a picnic lunch. Afterwards I went into their rooms. Crazy unorganized mess. So with their help we cleaned both their rooms They kept saying thank you. I am so proud of them. They were thankful and willingly to help with complaining. I am so proud of them. After watching a quick movie. I told them I needed a nap, they could nap or play something quite. They did it. I thanked them for giving me that time. 

At work I have learned to give my kids choices and tell them what is okay and want isnt. So why not do it with my siblings. It would help them be more successful and feel proud of what they can do. So here we are. We are working together to help them feel more responsible, committed, and  successful. So this is the start. They now of Job charts too. When I return home, I will be making them job charts for my house too. So they always know what they are to do.

I am one very proud sister. In the middle of trying to help myself, I am learning, we all need a little help from others and its okay to ask and receive.

New start....

To help me through this crazy time. I decided to get myself organized. I have started in my room. I am making plans and goals. Which for a while was something I couldn't do. I wasn't able to focus long enough. I know this will be a long journey. Yet I wouldn't want it any other way. I need a challenge in my life and here I am. I have felt very out of control. So to help decided to clean, organize, get back into what i love doing, photography, cooking, writing, drawing, scrapbooking, and making hair bows. I have also started walking and soon will start yoga. Its time for a new start. I pray I can stay focused.

Tears are okay

Yesterday I felt really done. the littlest things were upsetting me. I felt out of control. When I would start crying I couldn't stop. I felt unconfused, helpless and lost. All I could think is this isn't me and I need help. It was great to see myself asking for it. I am receiving it. I have taken a week off of work to focus on my dealing with the stresses in my life. I need to focus on my health so i can be the person i am meant to be.I know i'm not alone. So that helps. I can do anything through God. Only he can heal me.